So, I don’t often write about things that are super ‘real’ or personal on here. Largely because I’m sure people don’t want to read me moaning about what bothers me.
But today, I feel like I need to scream into the ether. Have the people who’s faces I’ll never see but who know me better than people I see everyday just…hear me. Even if they don’t really care.
I had a bit of a shit day at work today, (I know, I know) and I left the building so angry that I was literally shaking. The worst part? I want to turn around and tell them that they have no idea who I am. What I do at this job means nothing more than a pay check, so they can shove their opinions of me up their obnoxious assholes.
Some days it makes my teeth hurt going through the motions, wanting desperately to be at home with my boy, or typing at the computer.
This is why I say a double/triple life. My most authentic self in a completely selfish way is K M Strange. I am never more me than when I’m expressing myself in my writing. I feel free, elated, at peace. Am I writing Shakespeare? No. But I’m writing my mind, completely unabashed and unapologetic and I love every second of it.
My other persona is, of course, Mum. People sneer at women who want to stay home with their children. Didn’t we fight for the freedom to not be at home? I get it. I used to feel that way too. But I have never felt more strong, more beautiful, more powerful, than when I have my son in my arms. And my husband is a part of that too, I’ve never had a job as worthwhile and soul-satisfying as being a wife and mother. #sorrynotsorry.
That leaves me with my third, and least authentic persona. Let me tell you, I worked my ass off to qualify for this job, I did four years at university, trained, volunteered, did extra training on the side, the works. At first, I loved it, of course. But I was always looking for the next step, I jumped at any opportunity that presented itself within my field. I always felt I was so close to being happy, really happy. I was confident I was just adjacent to my perfect role.
Once I had my son, I realised that job would never make me happy. I only wanted to be a wife and mother. And when I started writing, I realised something else; it’s not that I don’t want to work, I just don’t want my responsibility compromised. As far as I’m concerned, no one can tell me I have to do anything that would take time away from the life I chose to create. That’s my responsibility. So writing is perfect for me, I can work and earn, but I still only answer to myself and my family.
I think the main message I want to put out into this pitch-black internet darkness, is thank you. In this world, I feel happy and free, and you readers are what have created that world for me, where I can be who I really am.